Two Sides Of A Mind
by Pinguicha
Summary: [KotOR]"I'm not Eilor. Don't call me that anymore." You can't choose who you were nor what you did during the times you no longer remember. So, what is left when everything you thought to be is a lie?
1. Truth

_**A/N: Hello, hello! This is my first KotOR fanfic, something I started to write while I was replaying KotOR for the second time. Hope ya all enjoy it!**_

**Disclaimer: Sadly, KotOR doesn't belong to me…**

"What? You mean you don't know? All this time and you still haven't figured it out!?" Malak's voice was heard, with a hint of both amusement and surprise. He said more words, but she wasn't listening to him now. Eilor moved her eyes to Bastila, just to find her face twisted in sorrow and her dark blue eyes casted downwards, as if avoiding her gaze. Eilor's lips were trembling when she eyed Carth. For some reason, he seemed hurt and that look on his eyes gave Eilor the answers she needed. Her mind screamed in shock, her heart leaped in disbelief as she analysed all the hypotheses she had against being _her_. But every single one of them pointed to the same end. And she didn't want to believe that.

_I cannot be **her**!! I cannot! I serve the light, not the dark side. I'm different from her, like water and wine, night and day, love and hate! **I can't** be her!_, Eilor said to herself, hoping that she would be stupid enough to believe such a fragile lie. She thought of being asleep, of being having those visions that haunted her dreams almost every night. She wanted to believe that, but the pain in her chest was too real for a dream. Feeling her eyes water and all energy abandoning her, Eilor felt lost. She had no will of stopping Malak now, who was eyeing her with a superior and arrogant look. Normally, she would want to hurt him for looking at her like that, but not anymore.

"Why…?" Eilor started, her voice weak, like the one of a dying person, "Why didn't you tell me anything, Bastila? Why?" her chin trembled more than she wished to as she spoke to the Padawan. A whirl of emotions was taking over her, but… There was no emotion, was there? There was only peace and peace alone. But if there was no emotion, why was she feeling so hurt now? What was making her want to slap Bastila, to kill her even? What was it? "WHY, BASTILA?" she screamed in anger. Tears threatened her eyes in an almost playful way and she wanted to let them fall free through the pale cheeks of her face. But she wasn't going to let them. Not where she was. Not now.

"I… I couldn't. We… we were afraid that if you had known of your true identity that you would turn on us." Bastila whispered, as if trying to apologize. Eilor widened her eyes in disbelief. So she had been a puppet all along. A puppet whose strings were moved by the Jedi Council, whom she had served faithfully. Rage was burning inside her, tearing her heart apart, stealing her breath and blocking her common senses. Had it been like this, when she had first turned to the Dark Side?

"Face it, Revan!" Malak said in a monotone tone, words that seemed like poison to anyone who heard them. Eilor turned her aqua eyes to face him, "Admit that once you were the Dark Lord of the Sith! You cannot hide from it!"

"You lie!" Eilor muttered softly, but she knew he wasn't. Yet she still wanted to believe she was not her. That she was not Revan.

Malak laughed softly, "You do not remember, Revan? Haven't you seen flashes of your old life before? Don't you remember the attack in which the Jedi captured you?" Eilor sensed amusement playing on his voice. Amusement that disgusted her in a way she never thought to be possible, "They captured you and reprogrammed your mind with a new identity, my dear. Although I must confess, I'm surprised to see you alive… I thought either those Jedi fools or my own ships had killed you."

Eilor turned to Bastila again, her hands shaking due to an emotion that seemed familiar to her. "You used me, Bastila!" she spat angrily, "You're no better than any Sith!"

"How can you say that?" Bastila replied, "He almost killed you! We gave you another chance to live!" I could sense her anger rising. Foolish woman. She didn't know what it felt like, to be used to someone's purpose without being told anything. Specially when that "anything" was her identity.

"I don't care." Eilor whispered, trying to keep herself calm.

"You see now, Bastila?" Malak said evilly, "You were fools to let her live! The will of a Dark Lord if not easily manipulated." He laughed. A bitter, cold laugh that made Eilor's skin tingle, "But you know, there's this small part of me that regrets betraying you, Revan… After all, I never challenged you so I could become the Dark Lord of the Sith. I can do it now, however. Let us duel, Revan! Master versus apprentice, as it was meant to be!" He threw a look at both Bastila and Carth, who froze in place. Eilor felt numb like she never did before. So now, that was it. Malak was going to challenge his former master – her – and one of them would die. She wanted to laugh at his foolishness, but at the same time she just wanted to die… to be dead like I should have been long ago.

Malak attacked her left side swiftly, but Eilor didn't even try to stop his blow with one of her own. Instead, before he could touch her, she concentrated and used the Force to stop him, making his arm freezing in the middle of the air, inches away from her skin. She eyed him pitifully, uncertain between killing him or let him run away. She raised one of her lightsabers, ready to chop his head of in a swift movement.

But she didn't do it.

When her lightsaber was pratically in his neck, her remembered her past life. A day, a single, simple day of the time she spent as Darth Revan.

* * *

_"Be aggressive, Malak!" Revan's bitter voice echoed through the nearly empty room she and Malak were in, "Do you think the Jedi will pity you if you're at their mercy?" _

_"No, Revan, but…" Revan cut her apprentice off before he could come up with an excuse._

_"I'm your Master, Malak, and you will address to me as such!" she said coldly, "Now stand!" she knew she had to command him like that, otherwise, he'd think he had the power – which he didn't. She held both of her lightsabers, ready to start another battle. Malak rose slowly from the ground and faced her. To Revan, duelling was like dancing – all you need to have is balance, style, grace and softness. Malak had only two of those features, which didn't help him. She quickly disarmed him and held one of her lightsabers right below his neck. She could see Malak's eyes widening in shock, a single drop of perspiration running down his jaw, the way he was biting his lips with his front teeth…He looked so weak, yet to tempting. She deactivated her weapon and dropped it, making it fall with a loud "crack". With her now free hand, she grasped his chin firmly and pulled his mouth to hers in a rough kiss. Revan bit Malak's lower lip until it was bleeding and the metallic taste of the blood was flooding both of their mouths. After a while, she fiercely pulled back from him, and licked her lips, smirking devilishly. _

_"I hope you tasted that well, because if you keep fighting like that, you won't be able to taste it again." She whispered, her aqua eyes menacing. But barely after she finished the sentence, Malak had his hands around her waist and was kissing her deeply. Revan let him do as he pleased – his passion was something overwhelming, something that threatened to consume her entirely. How fools the Jedi were, to believe there was only serenity and no passion. They said passion and other strong emotions were dangerous, but they weren't. They strengthened people in such a rich way… She didn't use to believe that until the Dark Side had been shown to her._

_Both her and Malak pulled away from each other, breathing heavily._

_"I hope that'll make you a better fighter, apprentice." She whispered._

* * *

Eilor gasped softly in disbelief. How could that be true? Revan, no, _she_ and Malak lovers? She took a step back, never letting her eyes go of the paralysed Sith Lord in front of her. Her concentration was broken with the repulsive thoughts she was having and Malak broke free of her control. He laughed once again and lifted her in the air. She didn't even bother to resist and watched him flee somewhere as she floated. She fell instants after, her mind still unable to think properly. If the part of being Revan was already bad, this one was a bucket of cold water thrown on her in a cold night. Almost lazily, she got up.

Eilor took a look at both Carth and Bastila. She had known all along and had kept quiet. Why? Fear? Fear that she might've turned on them? How disgustingly selfish of them. And Carth… Saul had told him. The Admiral had whispered those words as he died, just to have the satisfaction of seeing Carth be hurt. But when he had asked Bastila about that, she wouldn't have guessed it all had been about her. And to remember that she had told Carth that Saul was only trying to hurt him, that everything was a lie… How stupid it seemed now. Because it hadn't been a lie. Everything was truth, the painful and bitter truth. Now she knew why Carth had thrown her that look… Eilor bit her lip and kept fighting her tears, that were menacing to come out at any time now. Cruel things, tears were. But she had to find Malak and find a way to the Ebon Hawk. She left the small room she was in and hoped her steps would lead her to her former apprentice. She was feeling so lost…

She found him, of course. He was standing in the middle of a room, his body in a solid pose, his eyes unblinking and his lightsaber ready to battle. And what once was like a dance to her, now seemed more like a game of cat and mice. She rotated, she jumped, she dodged, and she attacked… But all her movements seemed desperate, for the only thing she wanted was all this to end… Then, the sound of someone coming.

"This isn't over, Malak!" Bastila's voice was heard.

"Aren't your friends stubborn little people, Revan… But that does not surprise me, for you always inspired loyalty. Too bad the three of you are nothing against me!" Malak said in a smug voice. Bastila used the time he spent saying those words to throw her lightsaber at him. It never failed and that time wasn't an exception. The Padawan stepped forward quickly, pratically throwing Eilor aside.

"Get out of here, both of you!" she shouted, "I'll hold him off, just go!" the sound of despair on her voice was obvious, and that made Eilor too a step in her direction as she heard Carth shout something, but a door closed, blocking her way to the other Jedi.

"Come on, Eilor!" Carth cried out, but she didn't move. Bastila was sacrificing herself… for her? For Revan? After she had accused her of being no better than the Sith? "EILOR, LET'S GO!" Carth shouted and grabbed her hand, dragging her away from that accursed place.

* * *

Space ships chased them after they left the Leviathan, but Canderous and Mission took care of them. Eilor was sitting numbly on a chair, her hands burying her face. It was so… so horrible to think about what had happened just few minutes before. Carth left the ship in automatic pilot and they all gathered in the same room she was sitting in.

"What did you do to her this time, Carth?" Mission said accusingly. It was more of a statement than a question.

"That's not the time, Mission…" Jolee muttered calmly, "But what happened inside that ship, anyways?"

"Malak showed up." Carth simply said, "And he would have killed us if it weren't for Bastila's sacrifice."

"She's DEAD?" Mission half-shouted.

"Probably not. Malak will like to use her battle meditation against the Republic, so he'll probably try to turn her to the Dark side instead. He's not a fool." Jolee stated as he eyed Eilor's pitiful pose, "Eilor, dear, what's going on?"

"Yes, Eilor, aren't you going to tell them what's going on?" Carth said bitterly, the tone of his voice making Eilor lifting her face from the shield her hands were making. He was shocked to find out her eyes were red and that her face was covered in fat tears.

"Why the shock, Carth?" Eilor whispered coolly, "Don't I have the right to cry anymore just because I discovered who I am?"

"Who you are? Eilor, what are you talking about?" Mission asked in surprise.

"Come on, _Eilor_." Carth said, "Or do I have to tell them?" Carth asked, almost menacingly. Eilor wasn't expecting this from him. How could he, after all they had been through…

"No, Carth. I don't need you _kindness_ in that matter." Eilor rose from her chair as she whispered those words. Her cheeks were red due to the tears she had been crying since she entered the Ebon Hawk and her aqua orbs seemed to swim in the middle of blood, "I…" she stammered, "I'm Darth Revan." And with those words, she walked out of the room, leaving an opened-mouthed Mission, a wide-eyed Canderous and a very excited HK-47. She just wanted to be alone and cry… to see if it would ease the pain of being who she was…

_How pathetic I am…_, she told herself bitterly, _Can't have something bad happening that all I can do is cry! What a great Lord of the Sith I must've been. _She closed the door to her room and laid on her bed, tears escaping from her eyes, running through her cheeks and falling on the bed… And she fell asleep, looking like a lost child alone in the woods: crying, scared and helpless.

* * *

_"Why do you want to avoid the dark side, Revan?" a Dark Jedi had asked her once, "Are you afraid of all its power?" _

_"I don't need more power than the one I already have, backstabber." Revan spat angrily as she fought against the chains that were imprisoning her. _

_"Truly? Don't you know how powerful you can be if you turn to the dark side, Jedi Princess?" she tried to block his words of her mind, for they would only give her doubts, nothing else. It was a lie, all a lie…He laughed at her efforts, "Disturbing, isn't it? Then hear my words: Peace is a lie, there is only passion-" he started._

_"Stop it!" Revan demanded. He only chuckled._

_"Through Passion, I gain Strength-" he kept saying._

_"You lie!" she half-shouted, desperately trying not to hear the words that were coming out of his mouth._

_"Through Strength, I gain Victory…" he whispered into her ear. _

_"I won't listen to you!" she was now pratically shouting, her eyes closed tightly. She could sense doubts beginning to form in her conscience, something she could not allow to happen -- _

_"Through Victory, my chains are broken." He whispered into the other ear. Revan bit her lip fiercely._

_"The Force shall set me free." He finished and smirked at her. He could see her mind absorbing the Sith code, telling her it made much more sense than its brother, the Jedi code. Revan was breathing heavily, her chest rising and lowering slowly, as if she were in physical pain…_

_"You… lie…" she muttered and felt jolts of pain running through her body._

* * *

"Eilor, wake up." Jolee's voice echoed through her tormented mind. Eilor opened her eyes swiftly, the dream still lingering on her mind.

"Was I screaming, Jolee?" she simply asked. The elder Jedi nodded slowly, making her sigh.

"Memories of your old life?" he asked and now it was her time to nod.

"You knew I was her, didn't you?" she whispered as she sat and hugged her knees, trying to find comfort in them.

"Yes. But it wasn't my place to tell you."

"I understand." She looked down, "Mission?"

"Both her and Zalbaar won't leave you just because you changed your name." Jolee replied patiently. Eilor smiled slightly.

"What about Canderous?"

"He won't leave you either. Nor will Juhani, even though she was a bit… shaken up with the news."

"I should've guessed that." Eilor stated and looked down at her knees, "And the droids?"

Jolee chuckled at her question, "It seems that… HK-47 was yours in the past. You built it. Now that he has returned to you, his data is back. As for T3-M4,it doesn't have much opinion in the matter anyways."

She lifted her head, "What about Carth?" Jolee sighed loudly in reply.

"You have to understand, dear… This little "revelation" hit him harder than he wanted." Eilor nodded absently, "He won't leave you at least for now. But it'd be better if you talked to him yourself." Jolee's calm words echoed in her mind. An uncomfortable silence took place, Eilor moving her eyes between the door and her bed, as if they were interesting.

"He thinks it was my fault, doesn't he?" she simply asked.

Jolee nodded, "Be patient, Eilor, that's all I can advice you to be." He turned to leave her alone again.

"Jolee?" Eilor called out his name in a faint voice.

"Yes, dear?"

"I'm not Eilor… Don't call me that anymore." She whispered and hugged her knees once again. I'm her… I just have to face it, she said to herself.

"As you wish, Revan." Jolee said and left.

**_A/N: I'm sorry 'bout the mistakes :sighs: And as always… please review. You'll have my eternal love if you do it!_**


	2. Slipping Into Darkness

_**

* * *

A/N: Thank you Lord Valentai, Lilina and Ice Appeal! I love you all! And I'm not continuing this fic after the Star Forge. Probably not, anyways.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to KotOR... Except my copy of the game TT**_

Revan was lying on her bed, her eyes closed. She had been hearing the voices of her companions in the other room, who talked about common and not so usual things. She wished she were like them. She wished she were neither Jedi nor a former Sith Lord. After all, to be a Jedi is to renounce to a normal life and any emotions that are considered "dangerous". Maybe that was why she had turned to the dark side before… She remembered when a Dark Jedi had tried to turn her, but she had refused to listen. But something happened after that; she broke free, of course, and the Sith code probably had devoured her mind until she didn't believe the Jedi teachings anymore. That had happened five years ago or so, almost at the end of the Mandalorian Wars. And after the Wars, ended, she and Malak had fled – or so said the "popular" version of her story. She had visions of what had happened during the year both she and Malak spent away from the Republic. Dantooine, Kashyyyk, Manaan, Tatooine and Korriban – the five planets they had visited and the five stages of their journey down into the dark side. Four of them had been revisited already, but there was just one planet left: Korriban. Birthplace of the Sith. Home of the very Sith Academy and considered to be an evil planet itself.

_Such a nice time to find about your past, isn't it?_, she thought.

"One hour to Korriban." She heard Mission's voice echoing in the other room. Revan felt her heart leap slightly; what was she afraid of? To be lured into the dark side again and become what she had been once? She hadn't been afraid of the Dark Side before, but now it seemed so… so near. She had never believed in its real existence, for she had never felt any temptation in doing anything evil. But she **had **done those things before. So what was keeping her from doing them again?

_Great, I don't even know myself anymore_, she told herself angrily and rose from the bed. Taking a look at her clothes she sighed. They had seen better days, that was for sure. The once straight Jedi robe was now completely wrinkled – probably because she slept with it on… constantly. Her stomach growled slightly in complaint and Revan remembered she hadn't eaten anything since they had been captured by the Leviathan. Slowly, she went to the kitchen, doing her best to avoid making noises. _Space food… Press a button and you'll have whatever you want on a bucket… Guess Jolee's right when it comes to that. _Sighing, she pratically punched the synthesizer button and waited for the food to get ready.

"Eilor?" it was Mission.

"Revan." She corrected quickly.

"Whatever." Mission's voice sounded carefree, "You think it matters to me that you've changed your name?" Revan sighed, her aqua eyes looking tired, yet thankful. It was good to have someone like Mission around.

"Well, that's… relieving." She muttered with a smile.

"Gee, you thought I would dump you because of who you were, Eilor?" Revan glared at her, "Sorry, _Revan_."

"Yes."

"Gosh, and then I'm the kid here." Mission whispered. Revan smiled again.

"No, you're not a kid, Mission." She started, "You're a teenager." Mission glared at her and Revan was not sure if here eyes were hopeless or angry. For some reason, it was amusing to treat Mission like that – she would always react in the funniest of ways.

_Beep!_

"Food's ready." Revan said as she took the food out.

"I don't know how you can eat food with so much cheese." Mission said coldly. Revan laughed.

"It's good, that's why." She replied.

"No, it's disgusting, not good. It seems as if you're eating Bantha crap!" Mission objected.

"Bantha crap is brown as far as I remember." Revan said with a wink as she stuck the fork in the food. Ah, how divine it felt after a day of starvation… She involuntary remembered the _pleasant_ torture Saul had submitted her, Bastila and Carth to. She never knew anyone could be so sadistic! And she could still hear herself screaming, as she was tortured mercilessly.

* * *

_"Come on, Jedi, you're not helping…" Saul said evilly. Eilor's cheeks were red, her heart hurting like she never had thought it would. _

_"Don't tell him, Eilor!" Carth's voice was forced, his throat barely emitting any sounds due to the torture. It hurt her to see him like that, to hear his voice sounding like that… A lonely tear stubbornly came out of her right eye, but Eilor cleaned it fiercely before Saul could see the sign of her weakness. _

_"I… don't know what you're talking about." She whispered. The next thing she heard was Carth's screams as he was tortured. She felt as if she were being tore apart, but she couldn't tell anything… Plus, Saul was going to torture them whether she lied or not._ __

_"It's obvious you're not going to cooperate… a shame. Pretty women always tend to be stubborn." Eilor felt like spitting on him for that. She told the Jedi Code to herself over and over again, just to make sure she didn't lose her mind before she knew what the Hell was going on. She watched Saul leaving the room and after that… there was only pain. A horrible pain that threatened to break her in two, that made her head scream and her body limp as if she just had billions on knives thrusted into her. She gave up after a while and everything was black for a while – even though the pain hadn't stopped with the blackness. _

_---_

_"Eilor, are you ok?" Bastila's voice echoed in the emptiness of her mind. Eilor rose and looked around herself, thoughts of what had previously happened coming to her again. _

_"Yeah, I guess…" she whispered weakly, "My head's just hurting a bit, that's all."_

_"He tortured us for hours, though you got the worst of it." Carth said on the other side, "They kept torturing you even after you fainted." She could sense concern all over his voice, which somehow pleased her. _

_"I still can't believe Dantooine is gone." She heard Bastila mutter. _

_"Yeah… Looks like all lives on Taris weren't enough." Eilor said bitterly, trying to make her voice sound strong – which was nearly impossible, due to her condition. She weakly tilted her head on Carth's direction and asked, "I'm sorry, Carth."_

_"For what?" he answered her with another question._

_"For making you suffer." She hugged herself and looked down, avoiding eye contact. _

_"I must confess, there was a time that I wanted it to stop. But I'm glad you didn't say anything to him, Eilor." His voice was calm, almost soothing her pain away in a most delightful way, "I guess that if…" he stammered a bit, "That if the tables were turned I would have said everything to him." She looked at him and smiled, making Bastila cough slightly in warning._

_"Well, now we just have to wait for Juhani to release us…" Bastila whispered, trying to change the subject. Eilor and Carth were a dangerous matter…_

* * *

"Ebon Hawk to Revan?" Mission called out, making Revan blink twice.

"Sorry, Mission…" she murmured apologetically, making Mission shrug in helplessness and leave to another room. Unpleasant memories, the ones she had been thinking about. She took a piece of food to her mouth and chewed it slowly and thoughtfully. Revan heard footsteps of someone who was approaching the kitchen. She took another small piece of food to her mouth and Carth showed up.

"Hey." He simply said, receiving a wave from Revan's fork. She kept chewing the small piece of food inside her mouth until pratically everything had "vanished" down her throat.

"Hey." She said, followed by an uncomfortable silence, which was interrupted by Carth getting some water and Revan eating small bits of food. _How ridiculous we must look, really_, Revan thought, slightly amused and annoyed at the same time, "You know, Carth, I changed my name, not myself." She stated. She sounded more like as if she were trying to convince herself instead of him.

"Oh! Is it, really?" Carth said and she noticed he was avoiding her gaze since he had entered the kitchen.

"Carth, look at me." She demanded.

"Why should I?" he stubbornly kept looking at the kitchen's wall as if it were an object of great wonder and interest. Revan placed her food on the small table and took a light step towards Carth. Placing both of her hands on the sides of his face – which made him shudder - she forced his eyes to meet hers.

"Do I look _any_ different?" she asked softly. It seemed like ages since she had… No, she couldn't think about that. Such thoughts were not the ones of a Jedi and she knew that. Yet, it had felt so good, so… so **right**!

"No, not outside." Carth replied nervously. She knew they were both thinking about the same thing. Revan had never thought things like that could change anything… But she didn't knew who she was, right? He brushed her hands off his face almost tenderly, "Come on, Revan, Bastila always said it was dangerous to-" she cut him off before he could finish.

"You never cared about what she had to say before, Carth." She whispered, "Why start now?"

"If you're feeling what she said you were, than it's better to avoid it. No one here wants to see you fall to the dark side." He stated and started to walk away, but turned back and quickly said, "You know my son is somewhere inside that Academy, Revan." She nodded absently, "So you better take me with you." And with these words, he left her.

_He's right… better stop before doing something we both regret. After all, a kiss doesn't change many things, does it?_ Were the words she told herself before turning to her meal once again. Ah, how good cheese could be…

* * *

"Tell me, human," Master Uthar's voice chilled Revan to her bones, "What do you know about the Sith? The common perspective or… a more in depth one?"

Revan breathed heavily, trying to make an answer that would not denounce her… and that would not be dangerous to her. What had she been once? Someone whose power had twisted her until she had been nothing but a bare shadow of what she was when she followed the ways of the Jedi? Someone whose emotions had driven her to foolishness but given her power nonetheless? Yes, definitely, something like that, "The Sith are corrupted people. Powerful in many ways due to that corruption." She whispered.

"I was expecting that from you, human." Uthar stated, "I can see the Jedi trained you to believe the Dark Side is evil and quick, but, is it really as they say?" Revan gulped and casted her eyes down, "When the Jedi treat the Force as a burden, we treat it as a gift, Prospective. We should not have these thoughts about the Dark Side, for we treat the Force like it should be treated – as a slave, not a master." Revan noticed Carth was shifting uncomfortably in his position, "If you join us, you'll be realizing your true potential, for you won't have to relinquish of your passions. You'll be as you are meant to."

Revan wished he would shut up. Everything made so sense to her… But she couldn't give in to these thoughts of the Dark Side. Not again. She briefly closed her eyes and tried to remember everything that she had done to help other people by using the Force – and how good it had felt, to see their happy expressions and relieved faces.

Uthar's voice brought her back to the cold reality, "What about you, human? You wish to become one of us?" his gaze was challenging her, testing her.

"Yes, Master." She said. How she wished she were back on Dantooine, with the peaceful meditations and non-dark thoughts. But Dantooine had been destroyed by the Sith. There was nothing left there now.

Uthar seemed pleased with her answer, "Ah, I can see it in your heart, human… The darkness that slowly threatens to consume you, something you have been fighting for a long time…" he stopped for a while, looking at the five Prospective Sith, "You five are already familiar with the force, but only one of you can become a Sith – presuming any o you survives. Yuthura will teach you while you are here, so listen to her carefully." Yuthura stepped forward in a superior way.

"As Master Uthar said, you five are all prospective Sith. To become one of us, you must prove yourselves through acts of worth – whose you must learn by yourselves. And remember, no one here is your friend – you five are all competitors, nothing else." Yuthura said in a quick, yet clear voice.

"The first "act of worth" is the learning of the Sith code. The first of you that learns it will be rewarded. Welcome to the dark side, my children… You're all dismissed for now." Uthar finished his sentence with a wave of his hand and Revan realized that she had been trying to remember how she had been turned to the dark side during his whole speech. But she hadn't been able to. As a Sith took both Carth and Mission to the famous slave quarters, Revan was led to what seemed to be her "quarters" – a "hole" in the wall with a footlocker and a bed, where she sat heavily. It had been a tiring day, that was for sure. She laid on the bed and slept, this time, without any nightmares.

* * *

How was it possible that as she recited the Sith Code, she had felt broken inside? She had gained Master Uthar's appreciation, something she knew she would need, but, at what cost? As the Sith Code came out of her mouth and she had felt something burn her tongue, something eating her inside… Something that seemed to be very real for just a lie that led down to the dark path. Something that was making her head ache and her heart leap in excitement. Should she be feeling such things when there was no emotion?

"There is no emotion; there is peace…" she said as she sat on her bed and eyed the ground.

_Peace is a lie; there is only Passion… _Revan seemed to hear someone whisper those words into her ear, making her shudder involuntarily.

"There is no ignorance; there is knowledge." She whispered to no one but herself.

_Through passion, I gain Strength_, the same voice said, the evil of its words getting to her senses.

"There is no passion; there is serenity." She could feel tears coming to her eyes as she tried to convince herself that the Jedi Code was the right one to follow.

_Through Strength, I gain Power and through Power, I gain Victory,_ she could swear she was hearing the Dark Jedi whispered those words over and over again to her, trying to turn her to the dark side, trying to confuse her, corrupt her…

"There is no chaos; there is harmony." But how could words comfort her? Would they do any good? How could she hope that the Jedi Code would comfort her, embrace her and make her feel good again? __

_Through Victory, my chains are broken_, yet, the Sith Code always managed to confuse her, twist her… And it was also only an amount of words. Words that were making sense, words that didn't make her a slave nor an avatar of justice and goodness.

"There is no death; there is the Force." She emptily muttered as a couple of tears fell down her cheeks. Had the Light Side been any kind to her? The answer was simple: no. She had only been a pawn to the Jedi Council, something they could twist around their hands and be used to their purpose over and over again. But still… they hadn't killed her even when they had the chance.

_The Force shall set me free…_ Did she really want to be free once again? Did she really want to release her emotions and become a wandered, a free spirit of the dark side? Was that what she wanted – maybe what she had wanted before? And why was she weeping now? Because she was afraid of the Dark Side? As if there was something to be afraid of!

"Eilor?" Carth's voice was like a needle to her ears. They had agreed that it would be the best if they avoided to call her by hr true name, at least, for now. She sniffed lightly and looked at him, feeling the slight tension that had been between them since the escape from the Leviathan.

"What?" she asked quickly, not bothering to wipe the tears off her face.

"His words disturbed you, didn't they?" was what he asked.

"Damn it, Carth, I don't need you answering with another question!" she exclaimed rather loudly, "But no, they didn't!" she sounded colder than she wanted to. Looking down, she waited for him to go away, to leave her be. But he didn't.

"So why are you crying?" he sat next to her, waiting patiently for her to reply.

"Why do you care?"

"Because I just do, damn it!" Carth practically shouted at her, "Listen, I don't want you to fall to the dark side and I know you don't want that too, Eilor." She smiled innocently at him.

"That's the problem, Carth. I don't know what I want anymore." She heard him sigh. What could she do when she didn't know where to turn, when she didn't know which path was the right to follow? "I've killed thousands of innocent people, Carth, yet I remember nothing of it!" despair reigned in her voice and she noticed Carth's gaze hardened. It wasn't her that had ordered the bombardment that had killed his wife, but she had been the one who turned the person who did it. She breathed once, twice until she was calm enough to continue, "Everything that's happening now is my fault, Carth. **Everything**." He eyed her with a mix of pity and sorrow in his eyes. How could someone who had been so bright during their journey become such a problematic being in a matter of hours? He remembered the day when she had kissed him on the Ebon Hawk as they went to Manaan. He tried to apologize for being an ass and she had turned those exquisite eyes of hers to him. The next thing he knew, she was brushing her lips against his and her tongue was caressing his in a quick, playful way. The kiss had been a quick one, but enough to leave the taste of her lips on his dry mouth. And after breaking it, she had only said an "Are forgiven." to him before going to Bastila, who had been calling out her name since they had pratically started to talk. Carth had told himself repetitively that he was old enough not to want her like he had since she had kissed him… But Revan wasn't exactly **aware** of how good-looking she was, since she always acted as a naïve kid during their staying at Taris; Naivety that would disappear when the Jedi trained her for the second time in her life. When they let her look "outside" during her training, Carth could see that by the way she talked and acted that she was changing: and the final product was someone completely different from the one he had met during the attack of the Endar Spire. She had become more focused, distant, calm and serious – something that didn't match her previous personality.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said. Revan turned to him with an unnaturally calm face, the very face she used to have since she had finished her Jedi training.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." She said emptily.

"I was not exactly nice to you after we fled the Leviathan." He replied, making her lips curve in a slight smile, something thrilling to look at, definitely.

"No you weren't." She confirmed, "But I understand why you acted like that." She leaned her back on the wall and closed her eyes, "Did you find your son?"

His gaze hardened, "Mission's taking care of that." Revan smiled again.

"She's good in that stuff, isn't she?" she asked, not waiting for an answer. The kid probably knew much more about life than her. After all, the "kid" had gotten them inside the Vulkar Base, the "kid" had taught her how to play Pazaak, and the "kid" had lived on her own for years – something hard to do on Taris. Yet, they **all** still called her "kid". The world could be funny sometimes. But it was mostly cruel, treacherous and evil. And Revan had only fully realized that two days ago.

"You, slave, go away. I need to talk to your master." Revan heard the newly arrived Yuthura commanding Carth with a clear tone of disgust on her voice. Carth threw a look at his "master" and left the room quietly.

"What is it?" Revan asked, trying to hide all her emotions from the Sith. She somehow succeeded, for Yuthura only smirked wickedly and approached her. Revan had the idea that the Twi'lek Sith had come to talk to her about the little "thing" with Master Uthar.

"You told him!" Yuthura spat angrily, her head tails whipping the air fiercely, "Foolish woman! You think he'll help you? Your only chance is with me, human!" she moved her hands in the direction of Revan's throat, but stopped before she could touch the Jedi, "I should kill you here and now-" Yuthura inhaled deeply, "But I'm not doing it. I'd probably have done the same, were I in your position. But tell me, prospective… Why did you do it?" Revan kept silent. Well, she was trying to be pretend to be a Sith, something she had to do well. Wouldn't a Sith do what she had done?

"To see which side would be the best to me." She lied.

"You're smarter than I thought, Eilor." The Twi'lek stated, "Perhaps too smart." One of Yuthura's head tails brushed against Revan's face, making her shudder against her will. Yuthura grimaced at her, "But if you're so smart you'll tell me what he plans to do to… annihilate me."

"Annihilate is such a strong word, Yuthura." Revan whispered, her chin high, "Disappear would be more appropriate if you asked me." If the Sith wanted to play games, than that's what they'd be getting.

Yuthura raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Revan nodded, "He wants me to fight you in the final test if that's what you want to know. Also, he wants you poisoned. He asked me to give this datapad to Andrenas." _Fool them, Revan… You have to seem to be one of them_, Revan said to herself. She only hoped that she wasn't becoming one of them just by playing these games.

"Humph." Yuthura pratically ripped off the datapad from Revan's fingers, "That'll make up for your little… inconvenience. Now I'll be stronger than Uthar can even think!" Revan threw a "really?" look at the Twi'lek, but the other woman didn't notice it, "Here, take this; it's the passcard to Uthar's room and this," she handed Revan a small device, "Is what you'll put inside Uthar's cot.. When he's alone in the tomb with us, we need to assure he'll be weak." Revan placed both objects in one of her pockets, "And don't even think of betraying me now, Eilor." The former Sith Lord eyed the Twi'lek carefully; "We're too far into this now for you to change sides." Revan's eyes bored into Yuthura's purple ones and the human could feel a slight tension rising. Had she been like that before? Had she killed just to ease the ever growing thirst for power?

"Ei… Master?" Mission interrupted Revan's thoughts and eased the tension between her and Yuthura, who looked at the other Twi'lek angrily. Mission shot a look at Revan, telling her to send the Sith away from them so they could talk. Revan nodded slightly at the blue Twi'lek.

"Yuthura, I believe we're done with this. Now leave me with my slave. I believe these matters are _private_." Yuthura raised her chin and left the room, her nose high in a proud way. As soon as Mission was sure the Sith couldn't hear them, she spoke quickly.

"Carth and his son are killing each other off, Eilor!" she pratically shouted, making Revan's aqua eyes widened in shock. Carth was always a source of trouble… And in more ways than one.

"Damn it." Revan whispered, "Take me to them, Mission…" the scoundrel nodded and lead the way. _You always have to screw up, Carth. Always_, Revan said to herself, hoping the Republic soldier wasn't dead already.

**_A/N: I'm sorry that it took me so long :sighs: School isn't being easy on me and all… And please, click on that lovely button that allows you to place a review P And don't be afraid, it loves when people click on him ;-)_**


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